I'm in the USA a charged felon of CM 1st degree & Possession of depictions of minor engaged in sexually explicit conduct. I'm not proud of who, or what I've become. Suicide is such an easy solution.

My first charge I was sentenced to a diverted sentence and had to do 3 years SSOSA (Special Sex Offender Sentencing Alternative ) with 5 years probation. They thought I was succeeding in the program, finished it and was taken off supervision almost a year early.

I fooled them. But never myself... I continued to view CP through most all of the program. I passed polygraphs and kept a job, a wife, family, friends and kids... I thought that I had it all. My wife and I (with the support of the bank) owned our own home. I had a recreational vehicle (a VERY built Jeep Wrangler), a beautiful daily driver and just prior to my incarceration for my second offense, I purchased a motorhome. I had masked my deviate life or so I thought.

My wife and family thought that my first offense was behind us. I made a stupid mistake, it was instantaneously stopped mere seconds after it started, it did not involve my own children, but it was enough. I was and still am very apologetic to the victim and my family & friends. But it wasn't behind us.

My second offense was more or less a continuation of my first. Actually, if I had been caught earlier viewing CP, I probably wouldn't have committed the CM. But, coulda woulda shoulda... I was viewing CP, got wayy to curious and sought out to explore my inner demons. And to repeat, I truly regretted it the moment I did it.

But was the first offense scary enough for me to change my ways? Obviously not. I continued to view almost begging to be caught, to forcibly get the help that I needed. Help or suicide... I collected many pics and vids. Collected was what it was... Like playing cards. Searching for more, different and new. In searching for different, I searched for someone to share in my pleasures. Answered an ad on Craigslist and basically entrapped myself. The police, the Sheriff and ICE came in, guns drawn and confiscated all electronic equipment in the home. Laptops, PC's, digital cameras and memory cards. Much like the first offense, this too did not involve my own children. Only internet kids, so after my sentence, aside from my own laptop, everything was returned to the home.

Two years of waiting... Two years of the "Swords of Damocles" hanging over my head. My life ending that June morning. Should I have committed suicide then? Maybe I should have... I didn't really have a lot to live for.

After the raid, the kids went off to school (how they did that, I couldn't imagine), and my wife left for school. I stayed home from work that day and contemplated the easiest way. My wife came home early from her school, prior to the kids coming home because, in her words, "I didn't want the kids coming home and seeing me dead on the couch".

Due to my external 'exercises', I was a failure in bed. I ended up sleeping on the couch. After the raid, the couch became my semi-permanent bed. I say semi-permanent because it was just a matter of time that I will be resting my head elsewhere. I lived a roommate situation with my wife, just waiting to be taken away. After a year and a half (slightly more) I wondered what was going on. I knew I wasn't forgotten about. They still had all the electronics... Someone was working on my case. Finally the warrant for my arrest came. I said goodbye to my wife, and my kids hugged me goodbye, not really understanding the implications that were about to unfold.

I was taken away June 10th, 2012. I was able to talk to my kids on the phone from the county jail since I wasn't convicted of anything yet. My wife sold almost everything of mine. The car, motorhome and a trailer. The Jeep was elsewhere but it was agreed upon earlier that it will stay mine.

December 21st, 2012 was the day that the Maya calendar predicted it would be the end of the world....

[ Continued ]